


Humour Me / An Umbrella Academy Fanfiction

by Mokii



Series: Umbrella Academy [2]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Drunk Sex, Incest, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-18 00:31:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18109661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mokii/pseuds/Mokii
Summary: Diego knew, he knew what he was thinking should be out of the question - was out of the question - yet he continued to stare and lap up the quiet pleas he could sense from the other. Why was he considering this? He couldn't justify what he wanted to do to Klaus but he'd be damned if he'd ignore it either.





	Humour Me / An Umbrella Academy Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

> Pre warning; I have never had sex whilst high so some of this could be totally off, plus I don't have a dick, so there's that too.

The music that elevated the mood in the house resonated through the crowd, Diego's feet in rhythm as he headed from the living room to the kitchen where many were talking and drinking. He approached one of the least drunk of the bunch and grabbed him attention.  
“You haven't seen Eudora have you?” He realised a little late that this guy was just as drunk as the others.  
“Eudora? Eudora Patch? I think I saw her go upstairs. Blonde right?” Diego frowned and shook his head. “Hey, no, you lick the salt first and then the lemon.” His attention was quick to falter and he soon became absorbed back into his previous conversation; Diego should have realised this was a fruitless attempt. 

He wasn't sure why he was concerned about Eudora's whereabouts; she knew the host, he was the guest in this situation so surely he'd be the lost one. Perhaps the few drinks he'd had had brought out his other needs, but he couldn't really tell much with the noise filling the house ringing in his ears. He decided he needed to sort himself out rather than search for Eudora and his feet took him to the stairs leading to the upper floor, perhaps finding refuge in an unoccupied room. With each step upstairs, it became painfully obvious that his jeans felt tight and his head wasn't just cloudy from the music.

As the music faded into barely recognisable bass from beneath, he looked around at the rooms littering the upper hallway, eyeing one that looked relatively untouched with the door on jar. A red glow seeped out from the opening between which intrigued Diego and soon he found himself pushing open the creaking door. 

The smell hit him first; strong and herbal and he was pretty convinced it was weed. A small cloud of smoke billowed around the ceiling, turning into a musty red haze from the coloured lights. His eyes followed the source and found a half dressed male sprawled across a bed that looked used and Diego assumed this guy had the same idea as him but had found a companion for the evening. He stepped closer but where he expected a woman was just his imagination as the man laid alone with a cigarette in his mouth. He couldn't very well discern any features but the male spoke up. 

“You gonna stand there like an idiot or are you gonna join me?” The voice was lined with mischief which Diego noticed was said through a smirk. The other gazed up at the ceiling but gave a short glance at Diego. “Although you look pretty out of it already.” Diego was confused but a part of him was convinced he'd heard this person before.  
“Join you?” Diego drew his eyebrows together and closed the space between them a little more to look at the man.  
“You came up here for weed, right? I mean, unless you're here to fuck but I suspect it'd be into your hand as I don't see a +1 in your equation.” Before the other could exhale another cloak of smoke from his mouth, Diego frowned even more.  
“Klaus?” The other's façade dropped as he sat up and took a full look at the male standing ahead of him.  
“Diego…?” Klaus' eyes were wide and glossy and he gazed in disbelief at his brother. “Oh man, isn't this delightful. Wouldn't have pegged you for a stoner.” Lying back down, Klaus crossed his legs over and took a drag of his joint.  
“I didn't come here for weed I was-” Diego stopped and cleared his throat. “I-I was looking for someone.” Klaus stared back at his brother at the stutter, the corners of his lips curling up. He observed Diego, investing time in appreciated how big his brother had gotten, his turtleneck tight across his biceps and his face splintered with slight stubble. Klaus’ gaze continued to explore Diego's body before resting on his groin a little too long.  
“Someone to fix that?” Klaus shamelessly pointed at the bulge growing in Diego's jeans and the other clenched his jaw in frustration. Klaus’ laugh filled the room as the music beneath them slowed to a gentle beat, not as intense as the previous few songs Diego had paid attention to. 

A silence fell over them both as the smell of weed caused Diego's head to fall further into a haze, his problem growing painfully more evident by the minute. “I can't bear that smell, I'm leaving.” Diego turned on his heels as Klaus stood up and sauntered over to him, grasping onto his upper arm before he could reach the door.  
“Come on Diego, let loose a little, catch up, yknow, brother stuff.” Klaus’ statement was genuine but the intent was devious, the male he held onto staring cautiously at his grinning expression. Klaus’ face was glowing in the deep lights, his neck littered with bite marks and bruises.  
“I have nothing to tell you, Klaus.” He pulled away once more but was tugged at once again, this time he complied and stood chest to chest with Klaus.  
“Come _on_ … humour me.” Klaus exhaled into Diego's face as the other sighed and averted his gaze. In response, Klaus held up his joint in front of his brother's face, following his gaze as they landed back on him. Another silence surrounded them aside from the now familiar beat below them that droned on, Diego's lips finally enveloping the end of the joint. An inhale was followed by an abrupt array of coughs from Diego, Klaus swatting away some of the smoke he let out, chuckling to himself. “I was right, you aren't a stoner. Good boy, Diego.” His sarcasm was met with a glare as the rest of the smoke Diego inhaled was blown into Klaus’ face. 

“Try this, it'll hurt less.” Klaus took a drag from his cigarette and inhaled as Diego settled a bit more in the proximity of the other. Lowing the hand that held his joint, Klaus brought his free hand up to Diego's chin and pulled so his lips parted, his stare hazy as he brought his own lips close to Diego's. As smoke slithered from Klaus’ mouth, Diego felt the heat bubbling into his own, naturally breathing it in as the burn felt much weaker. Klaus pulled back and tugged his lower lip between his teeth as he watched his brother take in the drug, wrapping his free hand around his bare torso. “Easier, right? But it won't do anything for that..” Klaus pointed again at Diego's jeans, smirking to himself. Diego mirrored the smirk but tried to conceal it as he rolled his eyes.  
“I'll have some more of that, actually.” He closed in on Klaus until they were flush once again, his grin becoming more apparent as Klaus shared a look of offence.  
“This isn't a charity, you don't get family discount.” As he finished off the joint in an inhale, Diego copied Klaus and brought his hand up to his chin, admiring Klaus’ amused look.  
“You said to get over here and join you, right? Sounded like an invitation rather than an advertisement.” Klaus didn't answer but huffed at the comment, tricked by his own words as he let the smoke dribble into Diego's mouth again, this time letting his hands drift to the other's chest. Diego inhaled sharply as his teeth clenched, finding himself catching Klaus’ gaze with hooded eyes, the heat of Klaus’ body burning against his. 

Diego knew, he _knew_ what he was thinking should be out of the question - was out of the question - yet he continued to stare and lap up the quiet pleas he could sense from the other. Why was he considering this? Maybe Klaus’ cockiness was an invitation to challenge him, make him regret it. Maybe the bite marks that littered his brother that boiled an unexpected jealousy in him. Maybe it was just the alcohol and the weed that was hitting him. He couldn't justify what he wanted to do to Klaus but he'd be damned if he'd ignore it either.

Waiting eagerly, Klaus pressed his fingertips into Diego's chest, barely catching his smirk before he was caught by his lips. Klaus’ weight shifted as he leaned into the other's kiss, the intensity quick to increase as they rivaled for dominance; with a push of Klaus’ tongue against Diego's, Diego responded by gripping his brother's jaw and forcing his own in. Only with a nip of his tongue did Diego pull back, staring at Klaus’ lustful eyes as he retracted his hand to touch at the blood on his tongue. A mischievous laugh escaped Klaus as he took hold of Diego's hand, guiding it to his throat and wrapping it around, squeezing it lightly as he leaned in to bite at his brother's lip again.  
“Don't get cocky, lover boy.” Diego wasn't entirely familiar with what Klaus had motioned for him to do but he tightened his hold on Klaus’ neck and leant back in to snatch back the other's lips. Klaus could feel his breathing becoming hitched as his head began to throb, unable to properly focus on the kiss as he tapped on Diego's hand to loosen up, his body shivering with pleasure as oxygen rushed back into his body in a deep breath. 

Pulling out of the kiss, a soft moan left Klaus after catching his breath, his face flushed red as his fingers pulled at Diego's turtleneck. “Better fix that problem of yours…” Diego broke out a low laugh as he watched Klaus’ movements, his tongue wetting his lips.  
“What, you gonna fix me?” He brought a hand up to lock into Klaus’ hair, tilting his head to the side to get a proper look at the marks scattering his collar and neck.  
“Gosh, we haven't seen each other for 2 years and you're already asking me to get you off?” Diego had a strong urge to wipe Klaus’ smug expression off of his face. “Warm a gal up first.” Diego tugged down on Klaus’ hair until he followed, falling to his knees with a husky groan.  
“Well, you kept bringing it up, you seemed eager whether or not I'd asked.” With his free hand, Diego loosened his belt and fiddled roughly with his zipper, feeling Klaus's cold hands swiping his away. He shuddered and groaned as he was pulled out of his boxers, his length throbbing as a dizziness formed in his head. The cool touch from Klaus made him grit his teeth, pushing his face closer to his groin to out his point across; Diego expected a comment of sarcasm but was met with wet warmth surrounding his member, a stuttered moan filling the room. His grip loosened on Klaus’ hair but his hips rocked into his brother's mouth, watching intently at Klaus’ fierce gaze.  
“Nh.. you've done this before.” His words were followed by a strained laugh, Klaus’ hands slithering up and underneath Diego's shirt to run across his abdomen. The chill made his length twitch in Klaus’ mouth so the other raked his nails down Diego's abdomen, greeted by the same twitching which caused Diego to give a warning squeeze close to Klaus’ scalp. The action only forced out a muffled moan from the other as Diego began to recognise what was making _Klaus_ twitch. 

Diego's hips thrusted more vigorously, keeping his hold on Klaus’ hair as the other's eyebrows pinched together, a mess of small noises resonating from him. Though Diego was fond of spending time with this type of thing, this wasn't the time or place to, and frankly - thrusting into his brother's mouth was the bigger turn on at this point. Eventually, Klaus’ mouth softened, allowing Diego to fuck at his throat, Diego's mouth letting a deep growl leave him. He stared down at Klaus, his eyes wet and his cheek flushed pink yet his expression was laced with pleasure, the sight alone bubbling a heat in his groin. Both due to his intoxication Klaus’ look, it didn't take long for Diego to reach climax as Klaus’ eyes squeezed shut. Wrapping his lips around the base of Diego's cock, his tongue lapped up what was left before he slid off of it with a lewd pop, smirking as he noticed Diego was still partially hard.  
“Well damn, I forgot to mention weed does that..” Standing himself up, Klaus’ body moved to the edge of the bed, sitting down and lighting up a cigarette from his packet on the bedside table. Diego's face held a surprised expression but he shrugged it off.  
“Oh, you've _definitely_ done that before.” He followed his brother after he tucked himself back into his pants, sitting beside him with a heavy sigh. Diego watched the smoke billowing from Klaus’ lips, a frown forming on his face as he saw an abundance of cigarette butts scattering the bedside table. “Jesus, how many of those things did you have?”  
“Oh, maybe… three, maybe four? I think?” Whilst trying to recall, Klaus led himself back down onto the bed sheets, kicking his legs up behind Diego. “I don't really keep count.” 

Diego's body slowly crawled over Klaus’, draping himself over his brother until their faces were inches apart yet again, although Diego's gaze was more interested in the deep marks Klaus was adorned with.  
“Who gave these to you?” Diego's head dipped down, his teeth catching the skin where each bruise was, his tongue darting out to run along each of the bite marks, enjoying the feeling of Klaus twitching beneath him. Exhaling another puff of smoke, Klaus sighed.  
“Some guy last week at another party gave me most of the hickeys. A ginger girl about 3 hours ago gave me the bite marks when we smoked together. You'll be able to point her out, she's got matching bites.” Klaus snickered and brought Diego's attention back up to his face. “How many have you had to drink? The Diego I know would never _really_ be this jealous.” His hand sneaking up to pinch Klaus’ cigarette from his pursed lips, Diego took a drag, blowing the smoke into his brother's face.  
“I'm the one that asks the questions,” He took the end of the cigarette and pressed it into the crook of Klaus' neck, burning out the end of it as Klaus whined and fidgeted under the touch. Klaus shot a lusting stare up at his brother and hissed through gritted teeth as Diego pulled away the butt. “Got it?”  
“Well, can I ask just one question.” Klaus once again feigned innocence as he spoke in a hushed tone. Diego was curious to see what else Klaus had up his sleeve so he nodded and cocked a brow. “Are you drunk enough to fuck me?”

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure whether adding a sex scene would make it too long or not but lemme know if you want me to make this longer, I had alot of fun planning and writing this! ♡ I hope you all enjoyed!


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